I LOVE YOU SARAH.....

The sunshine of my life.




When Linda died I went into a dark time in my life. Everything was black and there was no future, only the unchangeable past. Time dragged by like a chain in mud and the sun never shown in my life. A million tears and nothing changed. I begged God for just five minutes with her to tell her how much I loved her like I had a thousand thousand times before. God was busy doing something else. I cursed God and dared him and challenged him and he smiled and looked the other way and forgave me for my stupidity. I walked the walls and stared at the floor sometimes for hours. Time stopped. Sleep was in one or two hour segments without rest. I slept on the sofa because I could not use our bed. I could not take anything from the cupboard in our kitchen. I slept with a gun and a photo. I truly wanted to die for life meant nothing. Time crawled by and one evening the phone rang.
''So, what the heck you doin?''
It was my cousin Sarah. I had grown up with this lady, known her as far back as my memory went. She was more than a sister to me and she was not my sister. She and I could talk about anything and everything in our lives.
''Its been over two months since the funeral and I havent heard a peep out of you. Get in the car and come down here and spend some time with me and Jan. I'll give you your own room and your own bathroom and no one will bother you unless you want to be bothered.'' ''I'll be looking for you here in about two hours.'' ''Get movin'....'' …....click.......
I dragged myself to the car and pointed it toward Greensboro. In two hours I pulled into her drive way.


We sat and talked over coffee.
''Here is the way it is cousin.......... Linda is dead and no matter what, you can not change that.'' ''You can not go join her or bring her back so, starting now, you have to get yourself together and start making plans for your future life.''


I told her that I had no ''future life'' and there was nothing to plan for. I told her that I was going to change my will and redistribute my funds as I saw fit. I was going to make some people pretty wealthy and she was one of those people. She looked me straight in the eye and told me that she didn't want my 'flakin' money'' and I was not gonna die because she would not permit it because she said she didn't have a different dress to wear to my funeral. Sarah was broke as two galley slaves but she had her pride and her way of doing things. We spent a week talking about everything from ''Sex to Salvation''. One day as we sat over coffee she told me that she knew that I had some dollars laid back. She said Linda had told her that we were pretty well ''fixed'' money wise. Sarah told me to spend the money. She said she knew that I had saved the money for Lindas future so she would be financially independent if something should happen to me. ''Heck cousin, you have worked hard all your life and you need to really enjoy life now.'' ''If you see something you want.........BUY IT.... after all, you got no one to leave it to now.''.... ''Spend it, SPEND IT ALL''.... I thought about what she had said. I met her ''friend'' Jan and instantly made another friend. I actually saw the light of day when I left to come back home. I had to promise that I would come back in two weeks for another visit.


At home I would make myself go to Walmart and walk around. Just walk, not looking, not shopping just walking around. It was there that I saw a pretty black haired, brown eyed lady. For the first time in a long time, I smiled and she smiled back at me. I looked around to see whom she was smiling at and it was me. She smiled again and I asked if she would like a cup of coffee. I have never felt more awkward in my life. Inadvertently, I would look around to see who might be watching us. I freely admit that I felt like a damn fool not knowing what to do next. Yep, I kissed her good by in the pots and pans section of Walmart with the promise that we should meet again when she came again down to Walmart from Boone. One week later she called and said she was coming shopping at Walmart and she would be there about one oclock. Three guesses where I just happened to be at one oclock that day. Amazing, you got it right on the first guess. When I got home I called Sarah and told her that I had met a lady in Walmart. Her reply was ''Good deal, keep your receipt and if you decide you dont like her,,,,,,,,,,, you can take her back for a refund''....
''Are you sleepin' with her yet?''
''Nooooooo, of course not. We just met a couple weeks ago''
I told Sarah all about Willa. How we met and sat and talked and how she smiled at me and how her big brown eyes seemed to sparkle when she smiled at me.
''Ok, here is the deal........ When you guys decide to share a bed bring her down here so we can meet her.'' ''I will put you guys on the other end of the house in the guest bedroom and promise not to listen at the door''.............''maybe''
About a month later I introduced Willa to Sarah and Jan and they instantly fell in love with her. We spent the weekend with them and just before we left to come back up here Sarah took me aside and told me that they really liked Willa and if I was stupid enough to let this one slip thru my fingers or we broke up for some stupid reason,,,,,,, she and Jan would really miss me....... for a while.....maybe.....
Willa went back to Boone and me to Granite Falls. Life had purpose now. I stopped sleeping with the gun and the picture. Life had a future now. The sun was shining in my life again.
I went to look for a truck to pull behind the motor home and while looking for the truck I found a Classic Tiffany. Almost nineteen feet long, French Vanilla white, long and low with big headlights and air horns and fog lights on the ''front porch''............ A golden flowing lady on the radiator shell and ''electric everything'' inside.


''I can put a dealer tag on it and you can give it a test drive if you like sir''.........
''No thanks pal, I am looking for a pick up''
I went home and thought about the car. The next day I thought about what Sarah had said and I went back for a test drive. I wrote down what I seen that needed attention and told the man that ''If you would fix it,,,,,,,,,,,I would buy it''....... Seven days later he called and told me ''Your car is ready''...


Two weekends later Willa and I took the ''Tiff'' down to see Sarah and Jan without telling her that I had a different car. They almost fell over when I leaned on the air horns. They drooled all over the car.
''Listen up cousin....... I told you to 'spend it' but I didnt mean spend it all in one place''.......... ''Me and Jan want to drive it around the block''....... I handed her the key.....
''If we wreck the thing you can have my house''......
Sarah lived in an exclusive neighborhood called ''Starmount''. There were bankers, doctors, lawyers and CEO's all around and she knew most of them. Her house was about 3200 square feet and really nice.
They were gone the better part of an hour when she finally called me on the cell and explained that people were stopping them and asking questions about the ''Tiffany''. They would be home shortly, maybe.
Life was good and it had purpose again. I had found a lady that I knew I could care for and I knew she cared for me. We built a relationship slowly. We got to know each other and we slowly fell in love in tiny steps going slow. We traveled in the motor home and I saw life again thru her eyes. She had never been anywhere and Linda and I had been everywhere. We married in 06 in Niagara Falls and life has been one great adventure after the next........ Willa is my love, my life, my reason for living and my purpose in life now. I truly feel that God has given me another chance at happiness by sending me My Willa and I truly believe that had I not met this wonderful lady that I would be dead now. Probably by my own hand because life was not bearable as I saw it back then
Sarah died of cancer about a year ago and Jan I still our close friend. Willa and I often speak of Sarah and she will be a part of our memories for our life.


Sometimes I think back over my life and the events that shaped my life. My marriage to Linda and our good life together for 43 years. Linda's sudden death that threw me into a black hole, a lonely life not worth living, and me looking at the easy way out with a gun........ ''Boom'',,,,,,, aint sad no more......
Willa coming into my life and my life being worth living again. Our marriage and our promise of a good future together for the rest of our lives. The sun shines again in my life since I met this beautiful lady.


It is truly my great hope that everyone could be as happy as we are. We love each other with all our being and my great fear is that when God decides to take one of us that He will not take me first. If he takes My Willa, I shall not live any longer than it takes to re wright my will and distribute some ''things'' to people that I know and love............ I am a coward and I could not do the ''black hole of lonesomeness again.''
Nuff said I guess...