WHY I DONT FLY FISH

Montana Fly Fishing


we were in Cody Wyoming. we were heading out for yellowstone but i wanted to go trout fishing while in cody.
there are many trout tackle shops in cody so i told willa that i was going to look into some trout fishing. she said she was going to hang out at the van and enjoy some reading. I got in the tracker and headed out looking for a tackle shop.
I stopped at ‘’bobs trout shop’ and went up to the counter.
‘’I want to go trout fishing. what do i need’’
bob started setting tackle on the counter.
here is the short list of items he suggested
2 pc flyrod . split bamboo hand made signature series $229.00
1 fly reel . all ball bearing, auto rewind, chrome $199.00
100 feet of floating fly line with tapered leader $ 50.00
one set of chest waders, lined for warmpth $129.00
one plaid shirt with deep top pockets $ 40,00
the list went on including a gps unit, bear spray a map of local rivers, bug spray, a fishing hat, a fishing vest, a hand made creel to hold the fish i catch, a hand made net for lifting the fish out of the water and lots of other ‘’stuff’’ that i have forgotten now.
bottom line, the total was little less than a grand without the fishing license.
I told bob i would get back with him on this and i sneaked out of the store.
i drove down the street to the local wal mart and went to the fishing department.
i asked some kid if they had a ‘’trout fishing’’ outfit and he showed me to isle 15. there it was.. the complete ensemble for trout fishing.
it included everything you needed from the 6 piece imitation bamboo fly rod with genuine plastic reel and line, fishing vest and hat. a set of chest waders made from the reinforced 6 mill polly complete with suspenders. a large box of imitation flies that are hand made by people in china. a map of some foreign country, a compass, a giant ¾ ounce bottle of bug/bear spray. all a man could need to go trout fishing ………. $59.95 plus tax.
i asked the kid if he knew a place i could go fishing if i bought this outfit. he said he sure did . he said his friend knew a guy that was distantly related to a man that had a ranch that had a river that was just teeming with trout. he could give me the directions.
i bought the $59.95 outfit and listened carefully to the instructions. he mentioned that the owner of this land liked coors beer and those ‘’sweet sixteen donuts’’ and it might be a good idea to carry some to give to him.
i bought the kit and headed out. you have to remember that this kid was not real accurate with his instructions to this fishing spot. i followed as best i could but i am sure i made a couple of wrong turns but i finally arrived at a gate. i opened the gate and proceeded down a dirt road thru another gate and toward a hill. excitement was overwhelming and i pressed on toward the edge of the hill .. i didn’t realize that the other side of the hill was a cliff. by the time i realized that this was a very steep drop off it was too late. i bumped over the edge and did a wild slide down the other side toward the river. with all the wheels locked on the tracker and panic in my eyes i approached the river at breakneck speed. lumps and bumps and many ‘cow pies’ later i arrived at the bottom of the hill with a cotton wood tree jammed against the front of the car.. one broken head light and a bent bumper no matter, i was on the madison river . during my ride down the hill the bumps had made the Coors beer pop out of the pack. one of them had ruptured and did a fish tale all over the tracker spraying everything with beer. the sweet sixteen bag of donuts had also ruptured and donuts were kinda scattered all over the tracker.
no matter i was on the ‘Madison river’ and in trout heaven.
when i got out of the tracker several cows came walking along the river bank toward me. this distracted me and i stepped into a fresh pile of cow poop. i said shux … i went in over my shoe top and my sock and my sneaker installY turned green. i said shux. i went to the back of the tracker and got out my fishing kit. i opened it and put the six piece imitation bamboo fly rod together. one of the sections kept falling out so i took some duct tape and taped the rod together at all the joints. i said shux. i got the reel out and discovered that one of the attachment tabs was missing so i taped the reel to the rod and installed the line. i didn’t know that the line had to be treated with wax in order to float. i put the tapered leader on the regular line but i got it backwards with the heavy end forward. i said shux ….
i took out the fishing vest and discovered it was the size that would fit a person about half as big as me. i put the vest on and when i touched my hands together in front of me the vest ripped up the back. at least it fit better now. the hat was a size 6 which is way too small for me but i put the string under my chin and that sorta held the hat on my head so long as i did not look down.
i reached for the waders and found that the had a hole in the left leg. i said shux … out came the duct tape again and i put a silver ‘’x’’ over the hole. i slid my left foot (the one with the cow poo on the shoe) into the wader and it slid right in all the way to the bottom. no problem except the clear plastic now had cow poo from the knee down. …. i propped myself against the tracker and slid my right leg into the waders. the only problem was that my right sneaker was very dry and it kinda stuck in the right leg of the waders about a foot from the bottom. i pushed hard to get the shoe in wader, lost my balance, my hat fell off my head and i fell over putting my hand in a large fresh cow pie to stop my fall. i wiped as much of the cow poo off my hand on the side of the tracker…. i said shux again…. i got back up and finally got my right shoe into the waders without tearing the material. i put the suspenders over my shoulders and found they were way too short. i adjusted them all the way out and they were still too short. i pulled the waders way up till the crotch was cutting into me and got the suspenders attached. i leaned over to pick up my hat and it felt like someone had castrated me with a rope.
i took the flyrod and ‘’fished up’’ my hat and got out the flies. i popped open the package and dropped about half the flies on the ground. i took the ones that didn’t hit the ground on to the fishing hat. i put the hat back on my head and put the string under my chin. i picked one of the best looking flies on the leader. i reached into the package and pulled out the genuine plastic fish creel and my machine made dip net,
i was ready for the river. i decided it would be a good idea to have a bite to eat before going fishing so i opened the door of the tracker and found a beer and some of the cleanest donuts and flopped in the seat for a snack.
the cows had been watching this whole procedure with great interest. i think they though i was going to feed them or something.
it should be understood that when you fish for trout you should get into the river and fish down stream so you don’t frighten the fish.
it should also be understood that even thought the water looks nice it is usually moving faster than it appears and that it usually is running over slick rocks.
anyhow, i grabbed my trusty six piece immitation split bamboo rod with the taped joints and the genuine plastic fishing reel that was taped to the handle of my genuine imitation split bamboo flyrod and my genuine hand tied Chinese made fishing fly and i approached the Madison river with all the determination of a bull fighter going into combat.
i looked over the embankment and found that the ‘’river’’ was about three feet down from the to of the embankment. i grabbed the cotton wood tree that i had smashed into with the tracker. i kinda swung one leg down to the river and hung onto a limb while i got the other foot into the water.
the water was about two foot deep and running about three hundred miles per hour. i said shux …..
when i finally got my courage up i turned loose of the limb. the rock i was standing on was very slick and i lost traction with my right foot. it slid over the side of the rock … i said shux….
things kinda went into slow motion about then.
when i lost my footing i jammed the genuine imitation split bamboo fly rod down on the bottom of the river for support. this was almost worthless because the rod bent and separated at one of the taped joints. both feet went up in the air and i fell butt first into water that was just slightly above freezing. the waders instantly filled with water, i lost my hat and wallowed around breaking the fishing rod in at least four pieces. in the process i managed to stick the hook in the fly in my left thumb…… i said darn and shux and oh fudge …
i wallowed around and finally found a flat spot on the bottom of the river and when i stood up the waders were full of water and i looked like bozo the clown. the weight of the water overcame the strength of the plastic and the waders exploded in the crotch. there i stood with the suspenders still over my shoulders in a set of blown out waders. i said heck and shux. i stumbled and waded out of the current finding a low place to crawl out of the river.
my fly rod was gone. my hat was gone, my waders were busted and i had a hook in my thumb. i crawled out on the bank and sat down. it was about that time that i noticed a man on a horse about twenty feet from me.
‘’ do you know you are trespassing mister?’’
‘’ old man McKinney don’t allow no fishin in this river mister. of course no one could accuse you of actually fishing’’ ‘’you seemed to be mostly stumbling around like someone from back east’’
i asked him if he would like a donut and a beer and he said he wasnt interested. he did tell me that he would help me get the tracker off the cottonwood tree and show me the way off the ranch.
i got the hook out of my thumb and the cowboy hooked his horse to the tracker and i managed to get back on the dirt road and headed out toward the motor home.
as I rode along I made a solom promise ..... I WOULD NEVER TRY FLY FISHING AGAIN .... EVER.....
Seajay the sailor man