I'M DIEING

I am of the generation of ''before the war''. I was one of the millions born before the second world war started. 1940 to be exact. In my neighborhood there were probably 15 boys within a couple of years of my age. Back then it was not unusual for a family to have three or four kids and it was more the ''norm'' than the exception back then. In fact, I was one of the ''only child'' children that I can remember. Everyone else had brothers and sisters and I had a ton of cousins. I guess it was because winters were cold and there was no central heating or television back then and folks needed something to ''do'' on those long winter nights.
As I sit and think about it, there many kids in my neighborhood within a short walking distance of our house. I will not bore you with names you dont care about now except my neighbor Billie, the guy that hit me in the head with a Pepsi bottle after I beat him up over a marble game.
I actually knew all the kids in my neighborhood. I knew their family and all their sisters which I did not ''count'' because back then, girls did not count. As I sit back and remember these guys, a lot of them are dead now. Some of them did not make it past their teen years due to car accidents and drinking beer and driving. Some of them died in Nam. A couple were shot by their wives and some were shot by jealous husbands. Some died of natural causes like heart attack, auto accidents, cancer and the like and I know two that died in prison. Of that complete group probably half are dead now.


I got to thinking about this and figured that I am living on borrowed time also. Think about it. One generation ago a heart attack usually killed the person. Simple things like pneumonia, whooping cough and a litany of diseases we dont even think about now would kill off people like flies.
I watched Willa lay out my meds last night. I have had two heart attacks and two strokes. I got a 3 centimeter ''Triple A'' in my tummy and two stints in the vanes going down my legs. I have had two heart caths done and both my carotic arteries cleaned out. I have atrial fibulation in my heart and I take enough pills every day to keep probably three normal people alive.
If you think about it, we die in little pieces now instead of doing the right thing and just dieing and saving the government a bunch of Medicare money.......
Lets see...... you lose your hair and teeth, your vision and hearing. Your heart gets weak and is held together with wires and man made parts. Your joints start giving out and they must replace your knees, elbows, and your parts all over to keep you moving so you can go get your pills to keep you moving so you can get your pills that keep you moving(?) (did that make scenes?)... About every six months I have Cortisone injections in both knees to keep me walking.
Now they can keep you ''alive'' longer than you want to be ''alive''. Case in point was my mother. She died of cancer and many was the time I would sit with her and she would whisper to me that she wished she could just go on and die and go to be with Daddy.
I have got what I call my ''funeral suit''. It is the suit I wear to funerals and I keep up with the last person that died by the ''funeral bulletin'' in the inside coat pocket.
Most of the funerals I have been to were out of respect and real love for the deceased person. I will admit that a couple of times I went to a funeral was to be sure the sorry Sweet Old Boy was really dead. (I guess that is awful but it is true)


When you are born you start with nothing and when you die you leave with nothing. In between those two events most of us try to do something worthwhile with our lives. We work, save, make love, make hate, make babies, make friends and make enemies. We laugh and cry and promise a litany of things that we know we will never do or fulfill. And we ''see our life '' through rose colored glasses as it were. We see life pretty much as we want to see it. To some, the glass is ''almost half full'' and to others the glass is ''almost half empty.'' Some go through life with a chip on their shoulder and grumble and blame their lousy meaningless friendless life on everyone else and all the bad breaks they have been given and the ''half empty glass'' that life has given them. They concentrate on making enemies as opposed to friends and they are really sad people. Others concentrate on the ''good things in life'' regardless of how small they may seem to others. Some are happy with the almost ''half full glass'' and the good things they may have. These people live life on the positive side and can laugh and dance in the rain while the others sit in the shade and complain and grumble.


Today I died a little more. Like most of you I get up and reach for the glasses, hearing aids, Poly Grip, Medimusel, Dristan spray, Visene eye drops, the Ben Gay, my knee brace, my Pepto tablets, two aspirins and a pain pill for my joints to keep working and my heart meds, blood thinner pill, my vitamin ''D'' tablet and several other pills that seem to have no meaning except they cost money. This will keep me ''ticking'' during the day. I check my ''nitro pills'' to see that they are not falling apart and my cell phone to be sure the battery is charged and there is enough toilet paper left on the roll to finish that job properly.


This old sack of bones is a tiny bit older than it was yesterday and things are a little bit heavier and a little bit higher than they use to be and it seems like about everywhere I have to walk now, the path is up hill and into the wind. Today I take my ''pills'' and trudge up hill toward the grave that awaits just over the hill or around the next curve but I will be happy with the journey. I shall look back down that ''path'' and remember the ten times ten thousand good memories of good times and good friends I have known and of places I have seen and women that I have loved and that have loved me and the golden opportunity that God has given me to perhaps make a small difference in this world. Today I shall smile and look on the positive side and be happy with the ''glass almost half full'' and thank God for the wonderful life he has given me these 71 years and counting and if you see me complaining or hear me moaning and groaning and grumbling about something trivial and of little or no consequence in the greater plan of life,,,,,,,,,, PLEASE KICK MY BUTT REAL HARD.........


I just looked around, and I noticed that I am not walking this path alone. A lot of us are walking this path and this ''path'' is getting more crowded every day. .....(scary ain't it?)

God bless our wounded vets......... somehow, I feel they gave the most.


More later when I think of something to say.....me......